I have a love/hate relationship with my Vampire, more commonly known as my Oncologist. Sometimes even admiting I have an Oncologist is a little unnerving. It is a club I didn't want to belong to. But every three to four months, I get to see him. He would remind you of your grandfather. He is an older gentleman, very kind. It has now become my new norm. I used to pass out just thinking of someone taking blood from me, but now it is a regular routine. The appointment usually last only about 10 minutes, but within 10 minutes, my world could change drastically. It could go from one of normalacy to one of chaos. It tests all that I believe in and all that I hold dear.
When I was first diagnosed with colon cancer, it was very surreal. Everything happened quickly. Tests, more tests, waiting, scheduled surgery and more waiting. During that time, I had to come to grips with whether or not I really believed God. Oh I definitely believe in Him, but did I believe Him? Did I believe that if the worst case happened would everything be alright? If I die before I thought I should, would my girls be okay? It was a matter of trust for me. Trust in a God that has been faithful and continues to be faithful through some pretty difficult things at times. It was a matter of pride at times. Pride that said that God couldn't really take care of my children like I could. Most would just write that feeling of as being a good mom. I couldn't. I had to search deep down, uncover some deep insecurities and let God take control.
So every time I go to see my Vampire it is a reminder of the surrender that had to happen in my life to really Believe God and not just believe in Him.
2 comments:
So true. Taking what we know in our heads to a whole different level. Glad God healed ya!!!!
That gave me glory bumps. His ways are marvelous and equally mysterious. I'm amazed at how He can turn our bad, our ugly, our frightening...into good. He taught you a lot through this experience...pruned and grew you. And we've all sat sideline learning and growing along with you. We've been blessed by your journey and your example of truly believing Him. God bless the Vampire for this beautiful reminder! And praise God for His mighty healing hand.
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